What I want to do versus what I can do...

     Sunday June 23, 2013 11:02    
            So it's been since May 16th that I have been able to walk on two feet and drive myself around. At first I was in a lot of pain and was extremely careful about how much I did because it's so exhausting walking around with crutches. I really wanted to get out and do stuff because I feel lazy and bored just sitting around the house. I did realize that I needed to rest more than move around because my foot is not exactly healing like it should be and I'm not at the stage I'm supposed to be at. I do however, want to get the hell out of the house all the time, but can't which brings me to my versus monster. What I WANT to do V. what I CAN do, which isn't very much unfortunately.
          When I first went out after my surgery, I had a hard time because I hadn't been on crutches so I had to build up my arm strength and endurance. Now that was hard, but also kind of awesome, my arms and back look pretty good. And it seems I end up going out of the house and staying out of the house for hours, so sometimes we go somewhere where I have to crutch a lot (target) and it really makes you inventory what you need on what side of the store so you don't have to go allll the way back to the other side. Very exhausting.
          So this leads me to my entire dilemma, want to's and can do's. I want to go out hang out with my friends and be outside or wherever and listen to music, or eat drink and be merry. What I can do is sit in the a/c to minimize my swelling with my foot propped up and I can't really drink any alcohol because it increases the swelling plus, crutches and alcohol definitely don't mix. I have tried to go do things outside, but I feel extremely tired once I get back home and it makes me crabby. At first I started trying to go do things thinking it would be ok, because when I get home i'll put my foot up, but in actuality I end up out too long and it is probably detrimental in the end. I should have my walking boot now and should have been walking on my foot for the last week, but I'm still on my crutches and stuck in Kansas. My poor mom has been here since May 8th helping me out and we are driving back to New Mexico where she now lives with my dad at an unknown date because the future of our trip is up in the air and at the mercy of my Nazi surgeon. So this Thursday I have an appointment with Dr. Nazi to see what she has to say and to answer my question, "When can I leave???"

Falling asleep, waking up, and living.

In case you didn't know, my husband is currently deployed. He is not here, meaning he doesn't come home everyday during the week at the time he usually would to say, I'm hooome and hug me and kiss me. I don't get to fix dinner with him after talking for 20 minutes about what we should have for dinner, and we don't get to talk about how his day was over dinner at the table. No, I don't get to sleep next to him at night and I don't get to wake up next to him in the morning. I do however, get to do all those things by myself...not the same though. It really is harder, and not just because I'm missing another person but because my heart is missing it's other half. It is very hard and it doesn't matter if your military spouse is in a dangerous place or not, they are still not there, with you to live life next to you. It is hard to try to relate to other people whose spouses are not in the military because they don't feel the same separation and the same situations as military spouses. I have a few people to relate to, but not really. Every one's relationships love is different so of course it's hard to relate to other people.

I just think everyday that It is another day closer to seeing Josh, but then I think of how far away that day is and it makes me sad. It's like leaving half of your heart somewhere else and you can't have it back yet. It makes you appreciate things more, like life and everything that goes along with life.

Why are some people such a let down. ...

Without going into too much detail, I know that my ex husband was not the right guy hence the word, ex. I do wonder though how he could just go off into another life in another world and not even try to pretend like he cares, which he did when Sydney was born. How do you explain to a 7 year old that her biological father doesn't want to see her? I have repeatedly told her I don't have his address and I don't have his phone number but he certainly has my information.  I find that odd too.

He called me two weeks ago to complain about child support and then he said he wants to sign them away. He said he has no intention of seeing them and wants to know if I can just have him taken out of the picture. Well dude, you already are but I keep wondering if I get his rights signed away wouldn't he regret that forever? I still can't understand it. He started an entirely new family and takes care of those 2 kids and shows them affection and fathering but ignores the first two angels he ever fathered. I can only come to the conclusion that he decided to forget them. To move on and maybe we would disappear.  Like we were a figment of his imagination.  But I supppose we might really be.

Volunteer turned volunteer career?

6/5
7:30

So I am in the process of seeking out volunteer opportunities that I am able to do. There are a few things at the base, but I like to not just limit myself, regardless of who pays attention. I was searching a volunteer website and found a couple that seemed like they would be something I could do. One was for an animal shelter, the other for a charity that has their pilot program based out of Colorado. So after exchanging a couple of e-mails I found myself on the phone talking to the founder of the Military Family Voices program. We discussed what the entire program is based of, how much it costs per family to receive their services and what my role will be to help them. I'm actually excited to start on this and get it initiated and up and going here in Wichita at McConnell. Still in the planning phases of what will occur and how it will all fall into place, I am learning and will collaborate with the base to create something that will eventually be at every military installation. So, kind of excited doesn't cover it. :) Can't wait to do this, it is seriously going to be an unforgettable experience for each and every person that participates in it.

Blingy

Dressed up my foot with a sparkly leg warmer....hey it works!

Drivers...

What is it with how people drive? I'm not talking about the people when I'm driving, I'm talking the people driving you around. I was riding with someone one time and was thinking that the jerking from the car (acceleration jerks) was the car shifting but nope! It was their inability to maintain the speed limit so they were accelerating, decelerating continually.  Talk about make someone car sick! They hadn't been drinking or anything either which made me start to think...what is wrong with them?  They also had a high strung non stop conversation that seemed like a run on sentence and not a conversation which also meant I didn't get to include myself in their one sided conversation.  Anyway... I was just thinking about that today as I watched a car doing that on the highway...

Dr's appointment....

So today I have my actual first dr's appointment since the surgery. I went last Monday but that's because I fell, landed on my foot and wanted to make sure I didn't injure my foot anymore than it already is hurt. Luckily I did not so she changed my appointment for today. So I get a new dressing on my foot and hopefully some answers in what she did and whether or not I need physical therapy.

I am trying to keep the girls busy with various activities. Sydney is at soccer camp this week and next and I think I'm going to sign Lauralei up for gymnastics because she decided she doesn't want to do dance. So that's ok with me. I don't want to be a mom that hinders, I want tho be supportive of their wants and differences.